I am a writer. Even the statement scares me because writing has always scared me. Since childhood, I have found it very easy to express myself verbally. I have participated in public speaking events, I have been recognized as a confident speaker, but when I try to start my timeline for writing, I am stumped. I cannot think of a single example of writing from childhood that stands out! 

My very first taste of writing (as opposed to memorizing and rewriting in an exam) was when I moved to England. As a part of the English class, we studied poetry, and each had to write a nonsense rhyme. I still have mine engraved in my memory. We also had to write an extension to a short story. This was a group activity, and the girl I was writing it with was plain stupid. She didn't understand the story completely and made me write an extension that destroyed the plot. But I lacked the confidence to say anything, and let the submission take place. Later on in English, I wrote several more essays, and even some creative writing, but I remember them vaguely. 

College was where I first tried my hand at writing without being forced to do so. I wrote my first very own debate in college. I was very proud of it, though I didn't win. I also had to write my SOPs and LORs for applying into graduate school, but I just couldn't get started and started missing deadlines because of this. I asked my then best friend to help me out. She was a writer. She wrote articles, poems, a blog and for a newspaper and though I wasn't a fan of her content, her ability to write amazed me. We sat in a coffee shop for the whole day and had my first draft. It was incredible how easy writing was for her! It was also in college when I tried to write an article about women in sports for the magazine and tried my hand at my own blog, but quit after two posts because it took me so much time and effort to write even a paragraph.

During my work life, I only wrote twice in four years. A poem for my sweetheart for our first anniversary (because he was in another continent and I couldn't send him a physical present), and an article for the office website when Women's Day celebrations infuriated me enough to make me lash out. My article was criticized by many, but loved and spread around by some family and friends, and I still remain grateful to them for this.

After this, I arrived at B-school, and writing assignments became an everyday activity. I started another blog and swore to get over the writer's block I was born with. For a Business Communication assignment, we had to write an essay about our life goals. It started as a joke, just an assignment, but in essence, it brought out my desire to write a book/books about mythology eventually and I seriously started to think about it. 

That desire is what led to me write my blog somewhat more frequently, and finally brought me here to this course. 

I am a 27 year old Indian girl studying in a B-school. I am expected to go conquer the world soon. However, all I want right now is to write. And I know I can. I am a writer, with a small writer's block.   

At the beginning of the year, I decided to cut down on the "I" posts and focus on other things. I decided many other things too.

In continuation of "I" posts, here is one more.

Yesterday I met several people who had several job offers. And several more who were rejected by several companies. They all had one thing in common, they all got an opportunity. Their resumes, their work experience, their personalities were deemed fit to be present in front of the interview panel. Me, I didn't get a single call. I can tell myself that I wasn't a fit for the jobs they were selecting for, or I can tell myself that I didn't want any of those jobs. Does it matter what I tell myself? The fact remains is that I wasted a year of my life, and 25 lakh rupees watching television shows. I wasted the wonderful opportunity I got hiding in my room, telling myself that I don't want to be here.

When I got selected to ISB, I knew I got more than I deserve, that it was my luck, not my abilities that had brought me here, but the rest of the world assumed otherwise, and I let myself get carried away with it. Once here, I could have made amends, I could have brought myself on the level that the interviews assumed. I didn't. I lost the opportunity to do well academically. I lost the chance to learn, to grow, to be counted. And now it's the end of term 6, and I am a loser. Without a job offer. Without friends. Without anything to look forward to in ISB.

No, this isn't the usual, depressing, pity post on being jobless. I do not want to work for McKinsey or BCG. What matters to me is that they didn't want me. I want to be good enough that a dozen organizations stand in line and ask me to join them. I want to be able to choose. I had the opportunity, for the very first time in my life to make that happen. I didn't. I wasted it. I regret it.

I am not an IITian. In hind-sight, I realize that I wasn't cut out for IIT. I have, and always had a very humanities aptitude. I could have worked harder and gone to a better college. It was about acing the formulae. I didn't bother to, and it doesn't bother me that I didn't. I wasted those years because I was a child. I have no such excuses anymore. I am 28. I am as adult as they get. And I wasted one of the most productive years of my life lying in bed, watching poor television shows.

Anyway, enough ranting. Letting bygones be bygones, I will make amends. The year isn't over. The job offers haven't dried up. I will be desirable, I will not waste this year, this fee, this opportunity.

The very first step, MAKE THEM WANT ME. I have two short-lists, and I will be damned if I don't put in my best and make them want me. I may lack a lot, but I will make what I have count. I will work to my full potential in the next 48 hours.

The second, my grades. I can already see I can't make a substantial difference to the CGPA in the remaining terms, but I can improve the GPA several-folds in each, so that when it is time to leave, I don't feel like a loser.

The third, I will socialize, I will make friends, I will have people to fall back on from my ISB days.

The fourth, a personal one, is that I will have articles published before I get out, because I may not get an opportunity later on in life.

All achievable, with the closest being the toughest. Let's rock and roll!

xox  

And a Happy New Year!

New year ushers in new expectations, new desires, new This-is-THE-year optimism, and of course, new resolutions.

My resolutions for 2015, just like the majority of humanity, are broad, generalized, and aimed towards turning me into a newer, improved, over-hauled, 2.0 version of ME; just like 2014.

My resolution thus reflect my short-comings, what I lack, rather than what I want from myself, not a very cheerful way of starting the year. So what do I lack? What are those teeny-tiny little things that if altered, would turn me into Wonder-Woman, which I already know I am deep within? What are Winnie Shukla's "If Onlys..."?

The biggest, most glaring, explode in the face, yell in the ear, seismic fault in my lines is my inability to prioritize and my corresponding deep, morbid attraction towards chaos. Or, to grab the bull by its horns - my inherent lack of discipline. The lack of discipline is my Achille's heel, or, to make it more relevant, my "I will eat better, gym regularly and lose 20 kg". I deal with it the way one flat-mate deals with obesity or the other with her drinking habit, ie, by hiding my head in the sand and pretending the problem doesn't exist. How do I fix thee? Let me count the resolutions.

1- Build a Important vs Precise Matrix on my white-board and list down the activities in the corresponding columns. The idea behind this is that I will then have everything I need to do in front of me, which will guilt-trip me into actually doing it.

2- Whatsapp everything that I need to do to Maa as and when I think of it, so she can poke and prod me to get things done.

3- Take out 1/2 an hour every evening to reply to calls/messages/emails.

4- Write a minimum of 6 pieces every month.

Will any of these work? I am not sure. I mean I am almost 2 days down in the year and have already procrastinated on each and every one of them. The problem with disciplining is a Catch-22 situation. If only I was disciplined enough to discipline myself. Sigh.